Ok, this is gonna be a long story, so I have to get it all worked out in my head as to how to tell the story without mixing up details; there's alot of back story and it hops around. Since we finally got in touch with Frankie it's time to throw some of his stories in here, and this one is about his many, many, many issues with the Tunstil football team.
So I never really found out the reason for all the drama; If Frankie told me I must have forgotten, but it goes something like this.
For a few weeks Frankie had been getting jumped every weekend. One week he gets jumped at a stoplight and his buddy riding with him just sits in the car. The next week he gets pulled out of the car and the same guy from before actually tries to drive off and leave him. I see Frankie and he tells me about all this crap and I tell him that I'll ride around with him the upcoming weekend, and if he gets jumped I'll at least have his back.
The weekend rolls around and we're sitting in the parking lot of the bowling alley drinking quarts of Red Bull, and "tap, tap" on Frankie's window. "Get out of the car Frankie", we hear from the 3 guys on his side. I reach for the door handle on my side and Frankie says.."don't get out dude, this doesn't have anything to do with you".. But I'm like "fuck it". I get out, holding my beer bottle by the neck, and 2 guys are on my side of the car. Chase Pruitt tells me to put the bottle down and we can fight one-on-one, so I lean down to put the bottle on the pavement and both guys take a step towards me so I snatch the bottle back up and start waving it in front of me from side to side.. "so it's gonna be like that huh?" I ask. One of the guys on Frankie's side says "lets go guys.. Frankie we'll see you later".
More to come
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
MOOOO!
In the 10th grade I had the coolest bus driver known to man. I could give her money in the afternoon and the next morning she'd bring me whatever I wanted from the liquor store and I'd hide it in the ditch by my house till I got home from school. It was the perfect setup for a high school kid.
Chris was coming over to spend the weekend, and I ordered up two bottles of peach schnaaps, because it was both delicious and I was too young to have developed my appreciation for vodka. We stayed up late as crap sitting outside waiting for the parents to go to sleep, then broke open the bottles, and lit up some "Its a boy" cigars from when my brother was born... he was 2 at the time.. so you can imagine how yummy those were.
Well this wasn't the house in Milton you're all so familiar with; this was the house in Blanch, an old Victorian style, 18 room house we were renting from Jim Long, a federal judge in Raleigh. The house was sitting on 500 acres of property and there was a cow pasture that wrapped around it on 3 sides.
Around 3 in the morning, me and Chris are sloshed off the schnaaps, and I tell him, "Man, I'm gonna sling the shit out of this bottle" and point towards the cow pasture. We walk over toward the fence and I throw that thing as hard as I possibly can; it hits a tree branch just in front of me and about 10 feet up and lands right back beside me. Much laughing at my expense followed. Chris catches his breath from laughing so hard and tells me how pathetic that was, and that I should "stand back and watch this". The bottle goes sailing through the air.. end over end, no cap so the wind is catching the lip of the bottle, "whooo, whoo, whoo, whoo, SMACK!!!! MOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The bastard hit a damn cow.. lmfao
Chris was coming over to spend the weekend, and I ordered up two bottles of peach schnaaps, because it was both delicious and I was too young to have developed my appreciation for vodka. We stayed up late as crap sitting outside waiting for the parents to go to sleep, then broke open the bottles, and lit up some "Its a boy" cigars from when my brother was born... he was 2 at the time.. so you can imagine how yummy those were.
Well this wasn't the house in Milton you're all so familiar with; this was the house in Blanch, an old Victorian style, 18 room house we were renting from Jim Long, a federal judge in Raleigh. The house was sitting on 500 acres of property and there was a cow pasture that wrapped around it on 3 sides.
Around 3 in the morning, me and Chris are sloshed off the schnaaps, and I tell him, "Man, I'm gonna sling the shit out of this bottle" and point towards the cow pasture. We walk over toward the fence and I throw that thing as hard as I possibly can; it hits a tree branch just in front of me and about 10 feet up and lands right back beside me. Much laughing at my expense followed. Chris catches his breath from laughing so hard and tells me how pathetic that was, and that I should "stand back and watch this". The bottle goes sailing through the air.. end over end, no cap so the wind is catching the lip of the bottle, "whooo, whoo, whoo, whoo, SMACK!!!! MOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The bastard hit a damn cow.. lmfao
Yo Joe
So, in 1994 G.I. JOE came out with a set of Street Fighter action figures; and after a shoplifting trip at Walmart, Danny, Church, and I had collected most of them.
The lead up to this story is that Church and I were leaving to go to the beach with her parents the next day, and her license was suspended. Did either of those things stop us from a. going out shoplifting, or b. her not driving?.. Nope, and nope. So we're hauling ass back to the house, Danny lying in the middle row of seats in the Caravan, Church driving, and me riding shotgun in the broken passenger seat. By broken I mean it wouldn't go back so I had to ride with my heels in the pocket under the seat and my knees wedged into the dashboard. (and that saved my ass)
Coming down the road, Danny has E. Honda and Ryu fighting on his chest and me and Church are looking back laughing our asses off, when some dude in an old pickup in front of us decides to make a right turn. Unfortunately we weren't looking in front of us. Church slams into the guy at around 65mph, and instead of hitting the brakes she freaks out and hits the gas, which slams us into him again. My head hits the windshield on the first hit and spiderwebs it, and the second impact I hit it again and knocked it out. Danny's yelling in the back that his leg is bleeding and people are running up yelling that the police are on the way.
I realize that she has no license and I need to jump in the driver's seat, so we switch up, but I'm pretty dazed, (huge head didn't totally protect my fragile brain), so my feet are still on the passenger side. The first responder arrives and I tell him I have to get out.. He says, "No, stay right there, the ambulance is on the way", then he sees my feet on the wrong side of the vehicle and tells me "maybe it would be a good idea to get out". The ambulance finally gets there, and they load Danny in, I hear him yell, "HEY, Somebody tell the fat guy with the glasses where you're taking me so he can come get me!", his leg had gotten cought on the jack under the seat and was ripped open most of the way from his knee to his foot, then the cop gets there.
Mr. Po-po walks around the van and looks at dude's truck and takes us to the cruiser to find out how this happened. He asks who was driving and I say I was. Then he asks if we had our seatbelts on and I say "yes", except Danny who was in the back. Then he asks who hit the windshield and I say I did... which in hindsight was stupid because the glass was busted on the passenger side, and Piglett realized that right off the bat. He pauses for a second, and says "are you sure you had your seatbelt on? I say "yep", then he sees that the vinyl from the dashboard is imbedded in my knees and it all clicks in his head. He asks Church if she has her license and she tells him it's suspended.. He chuckles, and says "So this is the story we're going with huh?", and the nice fella gives me the most rediculous ticket I ever heard of... Failure to reduce speed to avoid an accident.. cost me $20 and 1 point on my insurance.. hehe. And now you know.. and knowing's half the battle.
The lead up to this story is that Church and I were leaving to go to the beach with her parents the next day, and her license was suspended. Did either of those things stop us from a. going out shoplifting, or b. her not driving?.. Nope, and nope. So we're hauling ass back to the house, Danny lying in the middle row of seats in the Caravan, Church driving, and me riding shotgun in the broken passenger seat. By broken I mean it wouldn't go back so I had to ride with my heels in the pocket under the seat and my knees wedged into the dashboard. (and that saved my ass)
Coming down the road, Danny has E. Honda and Ryu fighting on his chest and me and Church are looking back laughing our asses off, when some dude in an old pickup in front of us decides to make a right turn. Unfortunately we weren't looking in front of us. Church slams into the guy at around 65mph, and instead of hitting the brakes she freaks out and hits the gas, which slams us into him again. My head hits the windshield on the first hit and spiderwebs it, and the second impact I hit it again and knocked it out. Danny's yelling in the back that his leg is bleeding and people are running up yelling that the police are on the way.
I realize that she has no license and I need to jump in the driver's seat, so we switch up, but I'm pretty dazed, (huge head didn't totally protect my fragile brain), so my feet are still on the passenger side. The first responder arrives and I tell him I have to get out.. He says, "No, stay right there, the ambulance is on the way", then he sees my feet on the wrong side of the vehicle and tells me "maybe it would be a good idea to get out". The ambulance finally gets there, and they load Danny in, I hear him yell, "HEY, Somebody tell the fat guy with the glasses where you're taking me so he can come get me!", his leg had gotten cought on the jack under the seat and was ripped open most of the way from his knee to his foot, then the cop gets there.
Mr. Po-po walks around the van and looks at dude's truck and takes us to the cruiser to find out how this happened. He asks who was driving and I say I was. Then he asks if we had our seatbelts on and I say "yes", except Danny who was in the back. Then he asks who hit the windshield and I say I did... which in hindsight was stupid because the glass was busted on the passenger side, and Piglett realized that right off the bat. He pauses for a second, and says "are you sure you had your seatbelt on? I say "yep", then he sees that the vinyl from the dashboard is imbedded in my knees and it all clicks in his head. He asks Church if she has her license and she tells him it's suspended.. He chuckles, and says "So this is the story we're going with huh?", and the nice fella gives me the most rediculous ticket I ever heard of... Failure to reduce speed to avoid an accident.. cost me $20 and 1 point on my insurance.. hehe. And now you know.. and knowing's half the battle.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Peanut Butter Shelly Time
So from the title, I'm sure some of you have already guessed what this story is about, and I'm sure you already know most of the details.. so this'll just be a refresher. Once again, I'll be changing the name of one of the characters to protect their anonymity.
Danny dated Michelle Timms for a while in high school, and they were totally "in love". Danny was ready to take their relationship to the next level. By next level I mean that he was ready to wax her ass like Mr Miagi. Michelle, or Shelly as we usually called her, wasn't down for that shit and offered Danny a few options.. hand jobs.. suck, screwing the back of her knee.. hahaha (ass clown, you did that shit), or the ever popular blow-job. Three guesses which one he chose the most. Well Miss Timms apparently didn't like the taste of "skin" in her mouth so she tried adding several different food products to make the taste more appealing, and settled on peanut butter as being her nob slobbing flavor of choice.
Danny then made the mistake of discussing this tidbit of information with us, which prompted us to sing the old seasame street song, http://songsforteaching.com/jackhartmann/s/pbj.mp3"Peanut, peanut butter.. and Shelly", everytime we saw her. One day, while sitting on the couch at Danny's place a thought came to mind and I had to ask..
"Hey Danny.. when she puts the peanut butter on there, does she use a spoon or just stick the jar on there and pull it back off?"
Danny replied that he "Wasn't sure".. which means she just stuck his dick in the peanut butter jar and pulled it back off. He never admitted this fact to me, but I never saw him eat the peanut butter at his house.. and when I try to really remember, I can't think of anytime I ever saw him eat peanut butter. So if Danny doesn't eat peanut butter, then it must have been his dad's.. and now I wonder.. Danny.. did you make your dad eat dick tainted peanut butter?
Danny dated Michelle Timms for a while in high school, and they were totally "in love". Danny was ready to take their relationship to the next level. By next level I mean that he was ready to wax her ass like Mr Miagi. Michelle, or Shelly as we usually called her, wasn't down for that shit and offered Danny a few options.. hand jobs.. suck, screwing the back of her knee.. hahaha (ass clown, you did that shit), or the ever popular blow-job. Three guesses which one he chose the most. Well Miss Timms apparently didn't like the taste of "skin" in her mouth so she tried adding several different food products to make the taste more appealing, and settled on peanut butter as being her nob slobbing flavor of choice.
Danny then made the mistake of discussing this tidbit of information with us, which prompted us to sing the old seasame street song, http://songsforteaching.com/jackhartmann/s/pbj.mp3"Peanut, peanut butter.. and Shelly", everytime we saw her. One day, while sitting on the couch at Danny's place a thought came to mind and I had to ask..
"Hey Danny.. when she puts the peanut butter on there, does she use a spoon or just stick the jar on there and pull it back off?"
Danny replied that he "Wasn't sure".. which means she just stuck his dick in the peanut butter jar and pulled it back off. He never admitted this fact to me, but I never saw him eat the peanut butter at his house.. and when I try to really remember, I can't think of anytime I ever saw him eat peanut butter. So if Danny doesn't eat peanut butter, then it must have been his dad's.. and now I wonder.. Danny.. did you make your dad eat dick tainted peanut butter?
Monday, March 16, 2009
Betrayed
Just after high school I got married; and right off the bat the wife started trying to drive a wedge between me and my friends. Don't really remember how, but she had me really damn whipped basically from the first date... for some reason I think it was the boobs.. yeah, definately the boobs. Well, she tells me one night that Danny had tried to screw her one day while I was at work, and I was furious. Since we'd proven previously that I couldn't kick Danny's ass, I did the next best thing; I screwed things up with his girlfriend. He'd been seeing one girl, but screwing another one on the side, and since my wife and his girlfriend were buddy, buddy, Church decided while she was at the house we should call the girl Danny had been screwing. I won't mention her name.. so I'll call her Shmerie Myerz. Well that did the job, and did it well. Danny's girl broke up with him, and he was furious at me. I was basically friendless then, only had the wife, and she was pretty happy with that scenario.
After the split up, she fessed up that he had in fact not tried to bone her. Although she HAD tried to blow him, and he turned her down. Once again for the 10 millionth time, I felt like a douche. I decided to drive to his house and apologize; thinking surely I'm going to get my ass kicked.. but I deserve it so I'm just going to man up and take it. As I come riding down the road I see him standing outside walking to the mail box.. in his Carolina varsity hat, sweatshirt, and watermelon boxers... laughed my friggin ass off.. after I gunned it and hauled ass up the road. I had chickened out, because in my mind I planned for knocking on the door, and in his surprise I may luck out and get to apologize before I swallow my teeth, but with him outside he see's me driving up.. element of surprise is gone. As I make the first turn past his house I see him in the rearview.. he was coming after me... SON OF A BITCH! I'm definately taking an ass beating now, because it's only been like 15 seconds, and there's no way he's put on clothes.. so if I stop the car and he gets out, he's gonna have to destroy me just so he doesn't feel embarassed about standing in his boxers. I HAUL ass up the road.
I pull into Heather's right at the edge of Yanceyville because I thought it's a public place, he'll just pull up beside me, and talk shit.. nope. This guys hops out of the car, boxers and all and walks over to the truck. Didn't get my ass kicked.. mostly because I started talking as fast as I possibly could the moment he got out of the car.. and by the time he got over to me I had told this whole story, and apologized like 40 times.
After the split up, she fessed up that he had in fact not tried to bone her. Although she HAD tried to blow him, and he turned her down. Once again for the 10 millionth time, I felt like a douche. I decided to drive to his house and apologize; thinking surely I'm going to get my ass kicked.. but I deserve it so I'm just going to man up and take it. As I come riding down the road I see him standing outside walking to the mail box.. in his Carolina varsity hat, sweatshirt, and watermelon boxers... laughed my friggin ass off.. after I gunned it and hauled ass up the road. I had chickened out, because in my mind I planned for knocking on the door, and in his surprise I may luck out and get to apologize before I swallow my teeth, but with him outside he see's me driving up.. element of surprise is gone. As I make the first turn past his house I see him in the rearview.. he was coming after me... SON OF A BITCH! I'm definately taking an ass beating now, because it's only been like 15 seconds, and there's no way he's put on clothes.. so if I stop the car and he gets out, he's gonna have to destroy me just so he doesn't feel embarassed about standing in his boxers. I HAUL ass up the road.
I pull into Heather's right at the edge of Yanceyville because I thought it's a public place, he'll just pull up beside me, and talk shit.. nope. This guys hops out of the car, boxers and all and walks over to the truck. Didn't get my ass kicked.. mostly because I started talking as fast as I possibly could the moment he got out of the car.. and by the time he got over to me I had told this whole story, and apologized like 40 times.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Get a room
So this one is a little off track from the rest because it actually happened after high school and didn't involve anybody from the crew but me, but it's pretty funny.
When my first wife and I split up I moved back in with the parents for a while, and ended up reconnecting with an old friend from high school who I'll call Michelle Green. Well we went out a couple of times, and one night we decided it was time to do the do. Well obviously I can't take her back to the parent's house, seriously I was like 20 and living back with my parents, we go back there and I'm not gettin any. We couldn't go to her house because a)she still lives with parents, b)she lives with parents, and c)her brother was psycho and would have probably stabbed me in the neck or something. So we choose the only logical course of action, we pull behind the church up the road from her house.
Things are going great, we've slid into the back seat, my shorts are around my ankles and we have her skirt hiked up, making the magic happen; and here comes some dickhead pulling into the church parking lot. She lifts up and I pull my shorts up just as the blue lights come on and we realize this is not only a dickhead but a dickhead cop.. totally ruinining my Harry Houdini style disappearing sausage trick.
I hop out of the car as the cop walks up and he asks for our ID's, I hand him mine and Miss Green says she left hers at home. She tells him her name and he just so happens to be one of the several cops who has arrested her brother at one point in time or another. Well Mr Policeman tells me I should be ashamed of myself for what I'm doing in a church parking lot and I give him this puzzled look and say "what? she was sitting in my lap and we were talking", he shakes his head and tells me that not only is he not the stupidest person on the planet, but is amazed at the speed at which I got my clothes back on and jumped out of the car; (years of watching superhero cartoons had finally paid off, just had to remember them in reverse). Well he tells us to get out of there and we were idiots for thinking we could park at a church and not raise suspicions for anybody driving by, and to get a freaking room next time. All was well, and I still thought maybe we could find another spot when we left there.
Pulling out of the parking lot something strikes me as odd, so I ask Michelle; hey why'd you tell the cop you left your ID at home? I saw you put it in your pocketbook earlier", to which she replies "because I didn't want you to go to jail, I'm only 17. Remember I was only in the 9th grade when you graduated". And with that I became a statutory rapist.
When my first wife and I split up I moved back in with the parents for a while, and ended up reconnecting with an old friend from high school who I'll call Michelle Green. Well we went out a couple of times, and one night we decided it was time to do the do. Well obviously I can't take her back to the parent's house, seriously I was like 20 and living back with my parents, we go back there and I'm not gettin any. We couldn't go to her house because a)she still lives with parents, b)she lives with parents, and c)her brother was psycho and would have probably stabbed me in the neck or something. So we choose the only logical course of action, we pull behind the church up the road from her house.
Things are going great, we've slid into the back seat, my shorts are around my ankles and we have her skirt hiked up, making the magic happen; and here comes some dickhead pulling into the church parking lot. She lifts up and I pull my shorts up just as the blue lights come on and we realize this is not only a dickhead but a dickhead cop.. totally ruinining my Harry Houdini style disappearing sausage trick.
I hop out of the car as the cop walks up and he asks for our ID's, I hand him mine and Miss Green says she left hers at home. She tells him her name and he just so happens to be one of the several cops who has arrested her brother at one point in time or another. Well Mr Policeman tells me I should be ashamed of myself for what I'm doing in a church parking lot and I give him this puzzled look and say "what? she was sitting in my lap and we were talking", he shakes his head and tells me that not only is he not the stupidest person on the planet, but is amazed at the speed at which I got my clothes back on and jumped out of the car; (years of watching superhero cartoons had finally paid off, just had to remember them in reverse). Well he tells us to get out of there and we were idiots for thinking we could park at a church and not raise suspicions for anybody driving by, and to get a freaking room next time. All was well, and I still thought maybe we could find another spot when we left there.
Pulling out of the parking lot something strikes me as odd, so I ask Michelle; hey why'd you tell the cop you left your ID at home? I saw you put it in your pocketbook earlier", to which she replies "because I didn't want you to go to jail, I'm only 17. Remember I was only in the 9th grade when you graduated". And with that I became a statutory rapist.
The "Piss" Story
So first off: Dude I never really apologized to you for this one so I have to start with "I'm sorry, this was one dirty thing to do to someone", and my telling the story is payback for that friggin phone bill you left me with when you stayed with me and Church.
Jason went through this phase in the 11th grade where he slightly over exaggerate things. Every one of us did, but it was always easier to catch Cornflake doing it. Well one day we're at Teddy Bear's playing video games, and Danny and I go behind the store to take a leak. Lo' and behold, what should we find out back but a 32oz Red Bull (malt liquor, not the energy drink)bottle that looked like it had just been laid down. The clouds parted and a ray of light shone down and surrounded the bottle with the most beautiful light. We knew what had to be done. We fill the bottle with piss and put it beside the building then head inside.
Me "Jason, you'll never guess what's outside"
Jason "what?"
Me "a whole bottle of Red Bull!"
Jason "well go put it in the car I'll be finished here in just a minute"
Danny "put it in the car your damn self, if you want it go get it"
Me "shit, I'll go get the damn thing"
Everything was going perfectly. A little while later we pile into the Cavalier wagon and I mention how the "beer" is really hot from sitting in the sun, and Danny comes up with pure friggin magic.
"Hey Jason, how fast do you think you could drink a quart?"
Response, "pretty quick, especially if it's warm, it won't freeze my throat"
So we pull into Food Lion's parking lot and Danny says "Mike you pop the top and pass it to Jason and I'll start timing it". I say okay and as I go to twist off the top I cough so he can't hear that the cap isn't snapping and realize it's already been opened. I thrust the bottle out and Jase snatches it and starts chugging. For a split second Danny and I look at each other, eyes popping out of the sockets, jaws hanging open, and then Danny says: "hows my piss taste?"
Jason spits piss all over the inside of his windshield, me and Danny jump out of the car, Jason starts chasing us around the parking lot, the two of us are laughing our asses off and Jason says "you guys better be glad I didn't swallow any of that"... but he'd been chugging for at least 7 or 8 seconds and like half the bottle was gone when he started spitting so to this day I still think he had to have swallowed some of it. For the record though half a quart in 7 or 8 seconds is pretty slow Jason and had it really been beer we would have clowned you for not being any faster than that.
Jason went through this phase in the 11th grade where he slightly over exaggerate things. Every one of us did, but it was always easier to catch Cornflake doing it. Well one day we're at Teddy Bear's playing video games, and Danny and I go behind the store to take a leak. Lo' and behold, what should we find out back but a 32oz Red Bull (malt liquor, not the energy drink)bottle that looked like it had just been laid down. The clouds parted and a ray of light shone down and surrounded the bottle with the most beautiful light. We knew what had to be done. We fill the bottle with piss and put it beside the building then head inside.
Me "Jason, you'll never guess what's outside"
Jason "what?"
Me "a whole bottle of Red Bull!"
Jason "well go put it in the car I'll be finished here in just a minute"
Danny "put it in the car your damn self, if you want it go get it"
Me "shit, I'll go get the damn thing"
Everything was going perfectly. A little while later we pile into the Cavalier wagon and I mention how the "beer" is really hot from sitting in the sun, and Danny comes up with pure friggin magic.
"Hey Jason, how fast do you think you could drink a quart?"
Response, "pretty quick, especially if it's warm, it won't freeze my throat"
So we pull into Food Lion's parking lot and Danny says "Mike you pop the top and pass it to Jason and I'll start timing it". I say okay and as I go to twist off the top I cough so he can't hear that the cap isn't snapping and realize it's already been opened. I thrust the bottle out and Jase snatches it and starts chugging. For a split second Danny and I look at each other, eyes popping out of the sockets, jaws hanging open, and then Danny says: "hows my piss taste?"
Jason spits piss all over the inside of his windshield, me and Danny jump out of the car, Jason starts chasing us around the parking lot, the two of us are laughing our asses off and Jason says "you guys better be glad I didn't swallow any of that"... but he'd been chugging for at least 7 or 8 seconds and like half the bottle was gone when he started spitting so to this day I still think he had to have swallowed some of it. For the record though half a quart in 7 or 8 seconds is pretty slow Jason and had it really been beer we would have clowned you for not being any faster than that.
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